Funny Status Messages

   Just read that Jimmy Dean has died at age 81. RIP Instead of cremation his family has chosen to have him ground into a delicious breakfast sausage... Very touching

   I've always wondered iffilm directors wake up screaming"CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" whenthey have nightmares.

   Damn I just seen this big chick with a belly ring soon as she sat down it VANISHED

   God, when I said make it rain on me, what I meant was shower me with money like a stripper, not the weather

   Jennifer Aniston has the emotional range of the volleyball in "Cast Away" & the comedic timing of a syphilis outbreak.

   Me: "I'll have a Coke please." Waitress: "Is Pespi okay?" Me: "Is Monopoly money okay?

   difference between jam and jelly..I cant jelly my D..k into her mouth

   CORRECTION: "Who are we?" "Men!" "What do we want?" "s3x!" "When do we want it?" "24/7/365!"

   If you're not spanking her ass on a regular basis, YOU SIR ARE DOING IT WRONG!

   Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?

   Surely hope insurance companies start classifying "delusional people who think the President is doing a good job" as a pre-existing condition.

   U.S.A.- If you have oil, your people need freedom and peace.

   throwing skittles at random people and saying " taste the rainbow b*tch!"

   Beer makes you smart. It made Bud Wiser.

   I googled my name, and the first thing that came up was the wikipedia definition for smatass. Google knows me sooo well.

   in west,dates were divided in two parts A.C. & B.C...in USA its now divided into three parts A.C., B.C., and 9/11

   I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

   She is my best freind You break her Heart I Break Your Face

   wondering...Do you think stores would open another resister if I brought a flame thrower in with me? I f****n hate to wait!!!!

   Xmas idea. Mistletoe tied to my belt buckle. Hope this works.