Funny Status Messages

   Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

   I'm Dyslexic when I hate it

   When I was in high school I was suspended for fingering a girl behind the bike shed. Now my son is in junior school and history is repeating itself. I've been arrested this time though.

   People that are against smoking pot are the ones that need it the most..

   39. If I was a woman, I'd never leave the house. Unless, of course, I was finished cleaning and had permission.

   What do you call a group of epileptics in a bowl? Seizure Salad!

   The opinion of one is the opinion of all........

   you know its cold outside when you go outside and its cold

   Has anyone ever completed a round of anti-biotics?

   rain rain go away, thats what all my haters say

   What do Gas prices and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both are winning.

   I love Fig Newtons. Yes, You might say i'm a "FIGGIT".

   I'm at the Dentist. He looks in my mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!" I said, "I heard you the first time, Doc, sheesh." He goes, "That was an echo."

   They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.

   I once told my friend I was attacked by a shark. He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?" I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

   Breaking news!! Biden overheard telling Dr Jill, that Executive Orders were like Lay's potato chips. He stated "They're so good, no one, can sign just one".

   Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

   Clown Lives Matter

   For one who thinks they're never wrong. I bet his school teachers found him to be a "real pleasure" to have him as one of their students.

   KellyAnne Conway looks tired and flustered every day!