Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Got a problem with me?? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'?? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me?? Sit back down. Can't face me?? Turn the hell around.

   When I was young, pop and lock described the way I liked to dance. Now, it describes what happens to my knees when I stand up.

   I just saved a bunch of money on therapy by switching to Dolly Parton music!!

   Happy Wife = Happy Life

   I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking... scared the hell out of me. So that's it, after today... no more reading.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   I think this shameless self-promotion on Facebook has gotten out of control. BTW: I am awesome.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Sigh. guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in our fridge and left a note 'can't live like this'

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   was just kicked out of Walmart for giving myself a breast exam. Apparenlty I misunderstood the concept of a self check out lane.

   Don't you wish you called-in blind, just cause you can't see yourself at work today?

   getting a little fed up with politics. I'm thinking about joining that Long Island Iced Tea Party movement.

   I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself

   Taking a looooooong time to get up today. I think If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.