Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   We now live in a society where a prostitute earns more money than a school teacher. This means we have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now, because I think you're giving me cancer.'

   Southwest Airlines is like a woman's period: it hurts your back and it's usually late.

   They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people???

   Lil Wayne is by far the worst thing to happen to hiphop since Solja boy. Over Rated.

   I just had my most disturbing nighmare ever....I was gagged, tied and forced to watch "The View!"

   Nothing makes me feel better about myself more than the stupidity of others.

   The us army: when it absolutely positively has to be destroyed overnight!

   Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.

   Why is it that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting roofied? You want to tell them “relax, you can take the coaster off your drink, there's at least three of us in line before you.”

   Reading an article that said, "spice up your love life”. One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.

   Tyler Perry is an egomaniac. Does he really need to put his name in front all his shows?!

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   One night my wife said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

   I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that's what it tasted like.

   The last men's softball team I was on was awful, so I changed our name halfway through the season to ‘Off Constantly', so when the other teams won they could say they beat Off Constantly.

   Think I'll take up smoking just so I'll get more breaks at work.

   I wonder why I never see wine racks that are built to hold the good stuff.... you know, the box wine? Oh well, I guess as long as they hold 20 bottles of Boone's Farm

   Just conquered Super Mario Brothers without using any warp zones. I'm the man.

   I think it's possible that Hitler and Lewis Black had the same acting coach.