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If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!! 
My girlfriend goes out and buys me 12 underwear of the same color. I said, "Why in the hell did you buy all of them in the same color? People will think I never change them." My girlfriend: Which people? :\
Someday I hope to live in a city where the police DUI checkpoiints allow style points.
When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.
I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...
Sitting in the theater, ready to watch the move then BAM!!! The human giraffe decides to sit in front of you!
This beer just accepted my friend request!
Tech has ruined my ability to spell! Now when I'm typing a multi-syllable word & that red squiggly line DOESNT appear, I start questioning the intellect of my computer. Saying I just assume the spelling of that word is wrong, so wheres the red oh wise one
I hate it when someone starts telling me something, but they end up saying "nevermind."
You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.
*1 friend request* (250 mutual friends) “…I still don't know you ...
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed.
Facebook = Star Wars, Twitter = Empire Strikes Back, Google+ = Return of the Jedi. MySpace = Stupid prequels.
Two years from now, spam will be solved - Bill Gates (2004)
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
I have watched all the harry porter movies with subtitles on, so that means I have read them too
Hi. I'm unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment, but if you leave a message, the News of the World will email it to me later
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed
Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.
I hate it when am standing at the back of the queue and someone asks me "is this the end of the queue? no it's not, it's the front and today we have decided to queue facing backwards 