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I like to keep confetti in my underwear. That way when a girl gets there she knows its party time! 
Sometimes I want to send animal crackers to PETA..... half eaten
Even fire will break out in a sweat in this weather and then put itself out.
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Pretending to care about what the birthday card says, but you really just want the money.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
Tall girl & Short guy = Awkward. Tall girl & Tall guy = Cute. Short girl & Tall guy = Adorable. Short girl & Short guy = AWW.
5.Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.
everything your not
men, take care of your wives. Cause if you dont there are plenty of guys that will.
Does the plus sign mean Google tested positive for Facebook?
i like to fast forward through menopause commercials
In the movie of life, I am my own stunt double.
I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?
Follow Does this Dress make me look cross-dresserish?
Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.
I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out. 