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If you pretend 7am is the new happy hour, getting up early isn't all that bad anymore. 
We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.
hates it when overweight people who don't take care of their body give weight advice! Look- when you're so fat that when you order a water-bed a freaking blanket is layed over the Pacific Ocean, do not come preaching nutrition to me.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.
I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn, later he walked in on me watching Glee. I don't know who was more embarrassed.
I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run
All I got to say is "Sisters before misters."
To hear many religious nuts talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
The wagon of love breaks down under the weight of baggage from the past.
Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?
The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller
To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!
Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"
"Hey there, little fella!" -First words said by every guy finishing liposuction surgery.
Now days its Interesting how all Bar Debates end up on Google without a Fight
Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?
USA - "Dad can I borrow a few trillion dollars?" England - "...Ask your mother" China - "Hell no I'm not giving you any money!! You'll just let your government friends waste it all on gambling. 