Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Domino's Pizza is now made with real cheese"........ WTF were you using before!

   You should be with someone who ,even on your bad day, still thinks the sun shines out of your ass

   Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

   U love someone and you marry someone else. The one you marry becomes ur wife and the one you love becomes the password of your email

   Dear men who are smart and hot and madly in love with me: Please start existing.

   finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving in traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin?" The driver says, "You buyin?"

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   I didn't realize until Facebook that most of my friends are wannabe farmers, gangsters or cooks.

   if you poke, please poke responsibly

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   if dill was a cookie flavor, would the batter be called "dill dough"?

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   Relastionships are like yard sales. They might look good from a distance but close up its just a bunch of crap you dont need

   went to Wal-Mart this afternoon and discovered that some people think Febreeze is a substitution for doing laundry.

   You should not clean a gun while loaded....Unless you're wiping off fingerprints!!

   Dear Curiosity, just put the gun down and lets talk this out.~ Sincerely, The Cat.

   Pouring milk on Doritos and pretending it's cereal isn't as good of an idea as I thought it would be.

   I don't know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.