JOser Funny Status Messages

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   Saw a fashion report saying that with low riding jeans in style, butt cracks are the new cleavage. What was wrong with the old cleavage???

   I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   working, and having short Facebook breaks... but is now on Facebook with short work breaks... much more fun!

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   After 2 years I finally found the back piece to one of my remotes. This means more to me than it probably should.

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   I don't even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving in traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin?" The driver says, "You buyin?"

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...