Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" - Life

   RIP MCA...my generation will be forever in debt for the way you fought for our right to party...

   Oh you got "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your application to McDonald's.

   Why, when our heart is stolen, do we insist on returning to the scene of the crime?

   Watching your ex down grade, Oh what a lovely feeling.

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.

   I heard Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow...

   Billion dollar idea: bacon flavored weight loss pills.

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   North Korea's Rocket launch was a failure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.

   I don't always correct someone's spelling but when I do, I google it first so I don't make an ass of myself.

   Leap year on a hump day? Oh, the innuendo possibilities are endless...

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   I call the bomb squad everytime a package is delivered at work so we can stand outside & bull sh$it the rest of the day.

   It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear

   I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!