Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.

   Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

   Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage.

   Guy next to me ordered a vodka cranberry "light on the vodka". I had to go to another bar, I cannot be around someone who acts like that.

   The new mouthwash I bought says "24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily"

   Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?

   I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.

   Why do the people that should never reproduce have the most kids?!?!

   I think the show " America's Got Talent " Should have a question mark at the end of it

   My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   Walmart is like a free roaming zoo for humans everytime I go I see creatures even the discovery channel hasn't witnessed.

   Heard Snooki's supposedly pregnant. Guess we'll know for sure when her vodka breaks.

   The only good part about reuniting with an ex is that having sex with them doesn't change the number of people you've slept with.

   The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   ■Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

   has a new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.