Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where did the word "etymology" come from?

   When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"

   I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.

   It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..

   Throw away an avocado skin? In this economy? *makes avocado skin suits. *sells them on Etsy.

   Not having a sexx life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.

   I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.

   tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS

   Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

   My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

   Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I won't want to throat punch you the next time I see you. Thought you should know.

   The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

   "I'm so hungry I could eat a-" *walks by burger joint* "nope, had one yesterday" *walks by hot dog stand* "closer" *walks by stable* "HORSE"

   Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?

   I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.

   I read Marie Kondo's book about tidying up...now I'm getting a divorce