Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Balloons are sort of nasty when you think about it: "Happy Birthday. Here's a rubber bag of my breath."

   There should only be one color! God made a mistake.

   Waking up both horny and single is like finding yourself in a game of solitaire – the action may be one-player only, but it's still a race for a winning hand!

   From Thunderdome .....to funeral home. RIP Tina Turner.

   I no longer wanna see heroes walking away from explosions but instead I wanna see them exit a helicopter without ducking.

   A gay gloryhole is basically “ take a cawk or leave a cawk”

   Pagw 250

   Shout out to the person Who is the first to say they’re going home and breaks the seal for the rest of the guests to be like “Gyess we will head out also” Jest sayin

   January

   Dear FB Model wannabe. You are hotter than the sun, but let's face it... you're nowhere nearly as bright.

   Today isn't just for the kids..... it's also an egg hunt for the adults that are procrastinators

   Cars

   I always thought it was "Blew by you"

   Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

   Boogie Boarding: An alternate means of surfing for those unable to hop up on an actual surfboard.

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   Hippity hoppity your kneecaps are now my property 😃

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   We need gun control we almost lost Trump

   Chip clips are for quitters!