Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s

   gettin extra faded in honor of mini me

   So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'

   Anyone not doing anything except looking at Facebook, or not doing anything because you're looking at Facebook, want to hang out?

   She said she loves me but her PMS just showed up today

   When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.

   brb getting down to business to defeat the Huns

   The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

   Where did the word "etymology" come from?

   When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"

   I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.

   It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..

   Throw away an avocado skin? In this economy? *makes avocado skin suits. *sells them on Etsy.