Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds! Just take a look at me now!!

   Men on men, adult on child... why are you so fixated?

   How has SecDef Hegseth not briefed POTUS on the missing U.S. soldiers in Lithuania? This has been in the public domain for 8+ hours. Your dumb*ss country is so f*cked LOLZZZZ

   Roast beef curtains

   3 horrible facts: Today is not Friday Tomorrow is not Friday The day after is not Friday

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   Christmas > Easter. Christmas = Lasagna. Easter = Hard Boiled Eggs. I hope this helps to clear things up.

   What's happened to the raving le*ticle poster today? I'm beginning to worry that something's happened to him.

   Have free Top Secret Classified Briefings & War Plans texted directly to your phone Call: 1-800-DUI-HIRE

   SELLING MY CAR FOR GAS MONEY .... INQUIRE WITHIN

   I'm going to McDonald's for breakfast and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.

   What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who's relaxing I could just kick back with and take a load off with when I'm feeling a little weary, Someone who comforting and oh wait, I think I'm describing my lazy boy recliner.

   generate ststus for my graphic design service on instagram

   waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

   My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till I turn 90 to get my first one

   Stock trading secret: Pick a stock that you know is going to go up and buy a lot of it. Then watch the price go up every day until it gets as high as it's going to get. Then sell it all before it goes back down.

   "Be yourself"? Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna be someone else! Because that's who I am! Wait... What?