Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved

   I hate when I eat my last bite of food, not realizing it was the last bite,then immediately get sad because I wasn't able to mentally prepare myself. 🥓🍕🍔🍲😥

   ?elohssa ruoy tuo eta rehtomdnarg ruoy sa dettun reve uoy evaH ...gineoKyraG ekaf ,yeH

   I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Grandkids just watched Cujo for the first time. Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later?

   The notion that all these great jobs are gonna fly back to us is complete nonsense. We don't want these low paying manufacturing jobs. And the entire strategy is completely dividing this administration. WTF did I vote for? This is a disaster.

   If you get on an airplane nowadays, you're out of your mind.

   GaryKoenig, please, for the love of God STOP, you lame asshole.

   John, I have two bad news, which one do you want to hear first?" "Combine them!" "Your wife cheats us!"

   GaryKoenig is back in full force.

   Wondering, what are the aliens on the dark side of the moon doing? Seeing the sun for the first time?

   Who's the faigg with no life?

   I'd believe the asshole if he claimed his address was 6969 Bendover Ave.

   Judo is what you use to make bagels. 🥯

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.