Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cancer is like being on an airplane falling from the sky and praying that the pilot can pull it out.

   I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

   Q. What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? A. Bozo the Clone.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   IF you had to lay down on your bed to zip up your jeans this morning you might wanna consider calling in thick today.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   If I truly posted what was on my mind, I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

   Donald Trump is an idiot

   For the first time ever in CNN's polling, a majority disapprove of Trump on the economy. And it's a clear majority: 56%. It's begun.

   What game do you wanna play... 'B@lls on Chin?' The only words spoken by the pedoprez in 3 months to his son Barron 😂

   Then there was the blind prostitute. You really gotta hand it to her....

   Nothing like a hot bowl of beef stew on a cold, smowy night.

   No tax on tips, OT, and SSI…but the Left says no. If Biden had tried this they’d cream their non binary panties in joy.

   Alabama man pardoned by Biden just arrested again for drugs and guns. Great job by the autopen.

   Hi

   If you miss a payment on a Tesla it can just drive itself back to the dealership

   Elon Musk just threw a whiny temper tantrum after ACTUAL man Governor Tim Walz mocked Tesla stock for crashing due to backlash against his stupid bullsh*t hahaha

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.