Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   Flights from Canada down to the states are down 70% 🤣

   Jeeziz. That fart was so rank, my nose disowned me.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   I'm pretty much still in control of most of my bodily functions last time I farted, it was almost all gas.

   Not everyone knows this, but the paper towels by the gas pumps are for wiping away your tears after paying to fill your tank.

   Math Rock is a term meant to describe music that is complex in rhythmic structure. But in reality, all rock is Math Rock. Some is Calculus, some is Algebra, some is Arithmetic and some is Pre-K Introduction to Numbers.

   Well it looks like Richard Branson is going to win the millionaire space race which is one small step for Richard one giant leap before Jeff Bezos.

   I’m always telling people I’m down for anything when in fact I mean, not after 8 PM, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation and how tired I am

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   I'm all for gay rights. I wish Donald Trump and JD Vance the best. Now we wait for the video of Putin joining them for a three-way, recorded by Elon. A four-way circle jerk if you will.

   I’m drinking coffee right now because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka on a Saturday morning.

   We see that it's the same person that posted 20 post I a row andpost and liked it 5 times in a row and like everyone they posted 5 times just to get a like..

   They need to stop remaking A Christmas Carol. The Muppets did it the best. Everyone else needs to sit down and move on

   I wonder what my toothpaste meant by 'extra sensitive.' Turns out it doesn't like when I use other toothpastes.

   Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   M*G* loser - I'm an ALPHA male. I do what I want and I don't care what anyone says! Commander In Sheep - You hate Canada now. M*G* loser - Okay Daddy!

   If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   JD Vance looks like a pedophile Care-Bear.

   I'd love to sit here and have a battle of wits with you, but it appears you have come unarmed