Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good morning, l*fticles... let the meltdown begin!

   I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf.

   When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

   I have come to the conclusion I will never achieve my dream of being a Soul Train dancer...

   Do you think that Chinese tourists that come here are disappointed when they buy a souvenier and then see where it was made?

   So, the CIA can hack into my TV and listen to every word I say, but McDonald’s can’t hear me say “no pickles,” through their drive-thru speaker?

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   I grilled a chicken for two hours, but I couldn't get it to sing.

   Dem women are disgusting.

   Ford is moving four factories back to the USA opening up 25,000 jobs. But please, keep telling me tariffs don't work.

   Oops! Mommy's little darling is up and at it. By up and at it, I mean doing daddy in the shower. His name is Barron.

   It's still hard to believe that this is all self-imposed. Everything that's happening right now wasn't the result of some foreign adversary destroying the country. You did this to yourselves by electing the dumbest motherfocker to ever rule a nation 🤡

   I hate when people say "Act like an adult". Have you seen adults lately? That's horrible advice!

   I subscribed to Bass Pro Shop's newsletter, but I haven't been able to read it because I don't open fishing emails

   Did you hear the latest ICE joke? It's a riot!!!

   I'm at the point in life where the hottest text I get is: "Your prescription is ready for pick up"

   What if the Indiana Jones movies are just the dreams of Han Solo while he's frozen in carbonite?

   Pee-Wee Herman died. In lieu of flowers, buy a ticket to the adult movie theater

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.