Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   If you have enough leather watches, you can buckle them all together and make a belt, but that would be a waist of time.

   Tip: If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was in the movies, don’t google ‘old man bond age’ (trust me).

   Just farted at work and maintenance was called to my area to look for a sewer leak.

   I'm a hot guy. Even Lesbos like me.

   And the destruction of your country continues as we're watching from the sidelines. - Mr Burns voice - "Excellent".

   Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?, I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

   I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

   Dear Newsy, If you keep playing old news stories on repeat its no longer called Newsy, it's called History.

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   your body is made up of 70% water, Not coke

   I took my daughter to work on "Take your kid to work day". But when we walked in she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round, I asked her what was wrong. And she said, "Dad, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

   Today is 2/366. This is a leap year, which means the earth gave you an extra day to make things how you want.

   Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone. Will you call it?" 12 people called me... I need smarter friends.

   My girl is such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers her on!

   So if the Eagles play a concert at the stadium in Philadelphia, how do people know if they're going to a concert or a football game?

   A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.

   I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet. Now, it's clogged.

   OK... A GUY WHO ACTS LIKE HE'S SLASH ON STAGE BUT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD SO I CALLED HIM BACK SLASH ... AND I'M AN A$$HOLE ..

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.