Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   JD Vance looks like a pedophile Care-Bear.

   Yesterday, Mike heated up his leftover fish in the break room. Today, Mike is missing. Don't be like Mike.

   The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.

   هل يمكن لأي شخص أن يوجهني إلى موقع ويب مضحك لرسالة الحالة؟

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.

   I got a Valentine's Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   Imagine being an “alpha male gun expert” and thinking a person can get hit in the ear with an AR-15 round and not have a scar. Completely set up and an absolute hoax. There's already talk from people who were involved.

   I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

   The self checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   Zelensky was the only person sitting in that Oval office not wearing make up LMAO

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   ABC News An unthinkable breach of national security CBS News An unthinkable breach of national security MSNBC An unthinkable breach of national security CNN An unthinkable breach of national security Fox We've all texted the wrong person befor

   If you're not Catholic. Kindly shut the f**k about the new Pope.

   If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic at all times.

   If swear, if I hear that term 'TOXIC MASCULINITY' one more time, I'm going to slap somebody!

   A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

   A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

   What if we vaccinate a bunch of mosquitoes next Spring and release them?

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.