Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   If you say "Why does the military get a day but gay people get a month" only during june and not in January, February, March, April, May, July, August, September, October, November or December, you don'yt care about the military, you arre just homophobic

   Jesus had a lesser known brother named Mordecai. He was unpopular for his much reviled practice of changing wine into water.

   Your bark is worse than your bite... but your leg humping is quite pleasurable.

   People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.

   Me: Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic AAA: Sir this is triple A Me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake

   Ten years ago I didn't forward that text to 10 people in 10 minutes. That's why my life sucks now.

   You went from a friendly, respected, prosperous country to an aggressive, despised, bankrupt country in two months. Remember when everyone was defending Giuliani?? Look at him now. And look at your country. Sad and pitiful.

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   I'm still a rock star I tell myself as I heal from a finger sprain caused by opening a jug of milk !

   These kids today have no idea how to enjoy a book like we did in the good old days. (We watched the movie on a VCR the night before the exam).

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   I'm so dumb, I thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

   Coolant means something else when it comes out of the engine lid when you've been driving for 30kms

   The secret to keeping a clean house is done by clicking on the last option under settings on Facebook.

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   If you have enough leather watches, you can buckle them all together and make a belt, but that would be a waist of time.

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   I'm a hot guy. Even Lesbos like me.

   And the destruction of your country continues as we're watching from the sidelines. - Mr Burns voice - "Excellent".