Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   SNL, Kimmel, Fallon, The Daily Show, Meyers, Colbert, Maher.... these are actually great television shows. Isn't it funny? That every late night talkshow or variety show, just makes fun of him and his minions? SO good 🤭 Not one is on his side.

   Oxygen was dicovered in 1977....

   can't believe I'm finally done.. wait I'm kidding!

   Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   Where can I buy a loaf of that jammin' bread that I always hear about in the song..."Tea, a drink with jammin' bread?"

   Did you know that 1 out of 3 F*GA supporters are as stupid as the other 2? 😂

   Meteorologists said Kentucky offices were staffed and issuing alerts ahead of the severe weather in Pulaski and Laurel counties. Gov. Beshear confirmed that in a news conference on Saturday.

   BREAKING: Ed the Zebra spotted in Sunrise, FL. Witnesses say he distracted the Panthers long enough for the Oilers to sneak in an OT winner. Sources confirm he’s now demanding a Stanley Cup ring.

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

   A cop asked if I'd had anything to drink, and I thought it would be amusing to do a little Sinatra for him. So I sang, "Beers. I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention." We laughed and gave each other a high five and now I'm in jail.

   How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like u” Me: with the fan on high

   Feeling like I have been eaten by a coyote and pooped off a cliff

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   I just want someone to take me out already. Whether that be on a date or with a shotgun, it's entirely up to you - I'm up for it.

   The only secure document in Washington DC seems to be the Epstein client list because dumdum is all over it.

   Excuse me while I exponentially click like on my posts that I steaI.

   Dad: Congrats! Son: Thanks, pop. I'm sure you're proud of your new grandson. Dad: I meant congrats on you finally getting Iaid.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   "I've made a lot mistakes in my life, but just know you were never one of them" -ME (looking at my triple bacon cheeseburger...extra bacon).