Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He makes a stupid decision. Something really bad happens. He reverses his stupid decision. He convinces his sheep that the problem is magically solved thanks to him. And like the morons they are, they all f*cking believe him 😂

   Our world would be a much better place if Jesus would hold a press conference.

   Hello, Delta? Yes I'd like to reserve seat 11A. That's correct, 11A. What? You already have 242 passengers booked in 11A?

   DONT TOUCH THIS” has got to be the scariest thing to read in braille

   Around this time in 2020 we couldn't find toilet paper. Now we can't afford it.

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

   HIS VALENTINES ... For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken

   Someone should make a electric car company called "Edison" to compete with Tesla

   Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

   I was playing Bonopoly today. It's kinda like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

   I will not to be outdone by Elon Musk....I'm announcing my Acquisition of "My Space" for $24.99...

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private

   Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

   With the shortage that's going on ..Are any of the pregnant men donating their breast milk? Or are they keeping it all for themselves,

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, yesterday I saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   This may not be my Circus, and these may not be my monkeys . but I know all the clowns .

   I drove to town today to pick up my replacement glasses , you wouldn't Believe the people I ran into .....

   If I am ever at death's door I am leaving a flaming bag of poop on his front steps