Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Just In: Jimmy Carter to skip Trump Inauguration.

   It's funny, Trump is the only president that could ever become the worst president in history and then surpass being the worst president in history by being the worst president in history. Literally outdoing himself. That's some achievement!

   Tribute Bands: Making money off the hard work of the stars they attempt to emulate because they don't have a single, original thought in their empty skulls.

   I'm so old that I remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer.

   Those who dismiss progressive rock as being pretentious are most likely part of the crowd that only knows 3 chords.

   my future depends on my dreams so I think il go to sleep'

   I'm not the best chess player who ever lived, but some people don't even know how to move a pawn. It's pretty straightforward.

   Nothing brings neighbors together quite like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

   While Dems are trying to figure out which bathroom to use Musk just rescued people in outer space.

   Joe exotic was going to do a Christmas song, But he hates carols

   The Trisha Yearwood hit song , She's in love with the boy has been renamed He, she , it , they is in love with the He, she , it , they.

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   Sometimes I call the number listed on missing dog posters and just bark

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! No, not Jesus. Frosty the Snowman.

   The death of Meat Loaf drew way more attention than the death of Louie Anderson. Today's society even plays favorites with fat guys.

   ..... Congratulations Redblacks!!! ...... Wait a minute .... What the heck is a Redblack? ..... Answer: Another Underdog ..... Who just won the Grey Cup!!! ..... OK .... It's the Canadian (People that live north of the US) ..... version of the Superbowl.

   Talk about blatantly forcing yourself on El Paso.

   The wax of the universe, eats the crazy cows, and then goes to the road to serve a lunch where the mothers giggle when the husband wears a short skirt and acts like a waitress.

   My sister just walked in from the pool wearing her new bathing suit...a dyed black parachute.

   Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.