Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just checking to see if we're still suppose to be pissed off at who performed at the Superbowl halftime show.

   They say do what you do best. Stripper pole, here I come.

   What if they close all the grocery stores and we have to go back to hunting for our food? I don't even know where Twinkies live...

   It is said that every day is a gift. Can I get a copy of the receipt so I can exchange it for something else?

   If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

   Just noticed I shaved really unevenly, but it should be okay...I don't think I'll be taking my pants off in this grocery store again.

   Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

   I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

   The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

   I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

   When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

   I'm still glad kamala lost.

   I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening... and then have to start all over again.

   For a generation who can't find a "good man" you ladies sure are pregnant a lot.

   Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

   i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

   I asked my dentist "What will make my teeth whiter? He said "Try polish." I said "OK, Co sprawi, że moje zęby będą bielsze?

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in January