Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bringing blacks into this country was the worst thing to ever happen here.

   Below yeah you, Huckleberry Fin do you realize it's a meme?

   I never got why people liked sitting homje without pans on so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I'm left wondering why people have jobs.

   I saw this beautiful gal at the bar & went to ask her name, she said “1st Name: Outa, 2nd Name: Your League.”

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   Either the leaves are changing colors or there was something in those brownies...

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.

   Interesting Fact: Tuesday Weld was not named after the second day of the week. Because if she was, her name would be "Monday Weld."

   Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.

   Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.

   This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.

   With all the crowds of people there's going to be on Memorial Day weekend I'm not traveling, but not because of Coronavirus, I just don't like crowds.

   “midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

   that moment when you open the ice cream tub in the fridge only to find there's no ice cream but instead something completely random

   You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

   I'm smart enough to know that the Canadian 'sludge' in the Keystone pipeline was going to the Gulf of Mexico to be refined into gas, as Canada has only a few refineries of their own.

   You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.