Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I take all the credit when we win and blames all the losses on everyone else. That's what makes me normal.

   Look son, you march right back in there and take that Batman costume off. I'm the Batman of the family and YOU KNOW IT!

   I think Aliens are controlling the climate that's why we have to put an end to DACA

   I do 50 sit-ups between each glass of wine so don't question my commitment to exercise.

   The worst thing you can say to a white girl is a toss up between "Gwyneth Paltrow would hate you if she knew you" & "Your ankles are thick."

   It's my birthday!! These crazy woman sending me all these flowers it look like a funeral up in here

   If you are Canadian and have used Maple Syrup as lube, can I get some pancakes with that?

   Guy:My hair is not usually this messy. Girl: Really? Your hair is saying, "I wish I was emo so I can cut myself"

   Recent study shows half the teenagers have never sent a letter, I guess a text/email don't count must be all the abbreviations OMG!

   :: I'm so funky hit by truck after playing in traffic. Internet Rejoices.

   Taking applications for a booty call and unless I get attached, don't get attached, thank you lol. . .

   Secretly replaced the back

   Element: Women Discoverer: Adam, 4000BC Symbol: eye roll Boiling Point: Inconsistent Atomic Mass: WTF DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS?!

   Got a massive poke backlog, could you all poke yourselves.....i'm too lazy....Bob

   i am now doing my bucket list,until I kick the bucket challenge.

   I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

   I'm afraid to laugh. Because those who came in laughing made me cry the most!

   I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"

   My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.

   WERE HIPPOPOTAMUSES NAMED HIPPOPOTAMUSES BECAUSE THEY WERE REALLY HIP POPOTAMUSES OR WHAT ?