Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To everyone who wrote "Stay Cool" in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

   CNN+ didn't even last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

   If women had boobs on their back they would be more fun to dance with.

   Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

   You know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry? 58. Please don't delete me.

   We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

   I kicked my five-year old son out of the house because he didn't want to worship Trump. How dare he not want to worship the man who is greater than Jesus Christ. I have no son!!!

   If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.

   It is time to stop accepting the things we cannot change and start changing the things we cannot accept.

   I've made some terrible life choices over the years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions.

   Powdered Donuts

   If Joe Biden's economy is so good, why can't those student loans people pay back their own loans?

   who decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ?

   Although he was not a biologist, Roy Orbison was still able to write "Pretty Woman."

   Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line.

   Will Smith did what Ted Cruz could not do: Defend his wife's honor.

   Personally I am happily married, unfortunately my wife is not

   From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

   I grew up in the mid 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   Marriage tip: Women are naturally bad drivers. So, never ever let your wife drive the car. You, as the alpha Male of your household, should stay in the driver's seat and take your family where they need to go safely.