Funny Status Messages

   One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

   Hurricanes are wet. Very wet. With lots of wet water. Not many people know that.

   I get my exercise by pushing the limits of those around me.

   I'm sure my neighbors are up to something. Every time I get my binoculars out they close their curtains.

   Dear "60 Minutes": Your stopwatch actually measures 60 seconds. But nice try ;

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   I hope this blue uniform and walkie talkie doesn't make me look fat - Insecurity guard

   I bet you Trump pronounces the country 'Niger' with an extra "g" in the middle.

   Why do gender reveal parties only surprise you with blue or pink? I've never seen anyone reveal the whole rainbow. Aren't people supposedly "born this way" ?

   One of my daughter's just asked, "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

   "I'm leaving Twitter" is the new "I'm moving to Canada."

   Disney teaches us to hate stepmothers. PornHub takes a whole different approach.

   I ordered my Biden deck of cards. But it's missing half the deck and the numbers are upside down.

   Heard any good jokes lately? Probably not here.

   I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

   Billion Dollar Idea: Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

   Strong with this fourth day of may, the force is — Yoda

   Karaoke is that one thing that convinces hundreds of drunk people they can actually sing.

   Seek immediate attention for erections lasting longer than CNN+.