Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally brings some authenticity to his movie, Dead Poets Society don't ya think?

   Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

   I am going to change the name of my ipod to "The Ship." That way when I plug it into the computer, it says, "The Ship is syncing."

   you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

   I send women a picture of my medicine cabinet so they know Exactly what they are getting into 😛

   I told my boss today I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Number one Pick Up Line for 2022: “I have a full tank of gas.”

   Million Dollar Idea: Take the flood waters from the northeast and dump them on the fires in the west.

   This is a literal cry baby site.

   Serious fight has started in Olympics .... as a brazilian girl found her missing hair on a Nigerian Lady

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..

   Just had a dream in 3D! You think that was cool?! Damn that was one freaky dream!

   there is nothing worse than a woman coming up with a nickname for your junk, getting confused and calling it Dad.

   This year I'm giving my girl the best Christmas gift ever. Anybody got any tips on how to wrap your b@lls?

   So I order the Country ham omelet. It was disgusting to say the least. I asked where they get it. She goes, "Yemen."

   The IRS is in trouble for using $60,000 of taxpayer money to produce training video spoofs of "Star Trek" and "Gilligan's Island". I find that, "HIGHLY ILLOGICAL...." (Spock's voice) "....SKIPPPPEEERRRRR!!!!!" (Gilligan's voice)

   Sitting on the couch eating graham crackers and just remembered I forgot to flush the toilet upstairs.

   If I die in a bar, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…

   I will never ever take my Black ass cave exploring. I watched The Descent.