Funny Status Messages

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s positive.

   You know your getting old when you need pen and paper to do maths.

   What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

   My right-wing views brings all the Proud Boys to my yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I can teach you but I have to charge.

   If the people I come in contact with daily could read my mind I'd get punch in the face alot.

   I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish

   I eat wheat even though I am allergic to it. You might say I'm a gluten for punishment.

   I love to walk in fog , so nobody knows am smoking (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~

   U were great when you stood for Freedom. now, you steal others Freedoms. Most effed up

   Your wife is so fat, when she runs she makes the mp3 player skip... at the radio station.

   I am so homophobic that I don't even like touching myself.

   ironically, to a Patriots fan like me, the signing of Tim Tebow is proof there is no god.

   Old Louie shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, 'crushed nuts'? 'No, miss', he replied ... arthritis."

   How much weed does it take to bake a Potato ?

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes...... "No hablo ingles."

   Wow, wife was ticked off when she found out I donated as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

   How to tell if someone is fully vaccinated? Scan their chip.

   If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

   Without Trump in the White House, I don't think I'll have the will to live.

   I was surprised to learn that Elon Musk was from South Africa. I figured he would be from Mad-at-gas-car...