Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   I wish I loved anything as much as yankees love fireworks. #nojobbutcanaffordfireworks

   No thanks on the street corner baskets for Valentines Day. Just put those $10 on a chipotle card.

   I have yet to see a clear toaster so that I can see how well my toast has been toasted... you have seen one???

   Husbands calm down are two words you should never say to your wife.

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.

   This guy at work said not to use (SSD) solid state drives because if they get infected with malware it spreads faster.

   How can you fill up a room with people without putting a single person in it? .......

   .. HIJKLMNO is the chemical formula for water, right? ...... H to O

   Best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their Halloween candy.

   waiting for the light too go off

   I really need to stop checking every five mins to see if my Facebook movie is on Rotten Tomatos yet.

   The hardest thing I've ever done is uninstall Dota 2!

   The Dog Whisperer has been whispering death threats into my dog's ear

   The only drunk phone call I wanna make this Tuesday night, is for tacos.

   geta Life opinions can be hilarious. Like thinking yours is going to stop us.

   The flowers are blooming. The grass is green. The popcorn is ready. Baseball is back. Another excuse to drink more beer....

   You wanna know how my day's going? I have a convertible and a bird, well, you know the rest.......................

   the brain controls body movement....i just picked up my drink with my hands therefore I used my mind to do it....i have magic powers