Funny Status Messages

   going to the ventriloquist show tonight. My roof lamp told me that.

   hey were dudes it's Sunday and our teams are playing, were gonna talk about football, you wanna make a good wife one day then get used to it

   planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now he doesn't know what to feed it.

   just realized if you take a glow stick and tie a piece of dental floss on the end , it looks like a radioactive tampon! Or what my ex girlfriend's might look like now!

   was just Donkey Punched

   Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler! Don't forget to party with 70 virgins and Bin Laden!

   God created r acism when he decided to create different r aces.

   You fell sad because you didn't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day? Some people don't have a mom on Mother's Day or a dad on Father's Day so shut up.

   Just been to the gym for the 5th time in a week, and people are saying things like "well done!", "that's so impressive!", and "you can't come in here just to use the vending machine

   it strange how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how strange it is?

   I am whipped today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   Am I allowed to say that fish are dumb or will people say it's some sort of animal hate speech.. I have been struggling with this for months

   If you’re gonna tell me how to parent my kids, I’m gonna send one home with you.

   What's going on!?!? I thought it was a guarantee that Jared would bring peace to the middle east?????

   Saying "All Lives Matter" is like when your house catches fire and the 911 operator says "All Houses Matter".

   Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

   Red dawn should make US Citizens realize how the rest of the world feels with their ridiculous unjustifiable attacks!

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 4 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

   In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.