Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.

   US Marine SGT Michael Cable died in Afganistan today, but yet all I see on the TV is people mourning a drunk hillbilly....

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?

   I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.

   My wife is upset, apparently I'm breathing wrong again.

   Enough With The Poking, Lets Just Have Sex

   Baby,baby,baby ooh!" Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to justin bieber AGAIN..? Daughter: No I'm watchin PORN... Mom: Oh thank God

   If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status???

   Forgive me God, for the blessings I don't even notice

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   Every time I read "ROFL", I hear Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   Thank you: hard shell tacos, for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking the the moment I put something inside you.

   I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they bought on Black Friday

   doesnt skinny dip...i chunky dunk

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step....

   Admit it....You once made a little kid cry, and then made them laugh so you wouldn't get in trouble...

   The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actualy kill me

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   I text u, you take 30 mins to reply, I'm with u, ur hands r glued to ur phone....