Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.

   anyone else suck on a POLO mint as long as you can without breaking the circle? and then feel gutted when you do?

   does the illuminati celebrate their birthday on Facebook?

   heard the illuminati were accepting resume

   Feeling pretty bad right now for the boyfriends whose girlfriends are on their period today. #HappyValentinesDay

   It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.

   I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.

   When I was younger, I thought July 4th was celebrated because of the film Independence Day....I was so wrong.

   Been sitting in front of the TV with my hotdogs trying to roast them and after 45 minutes they're still cold. This fire place channel sucks!.

   I try to tell the children that the intertube is NOT just about porn and cursing at strangers in comment sections - it also has a dark side.

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   Post George Carlin quotes...crickets. Post Saget quotes...a ticker tape parade ensues.

   Shouldn't we be protesting hurricane Matthew?...tree lives matter.

   ..... This is really weird .... For some strange reason ..... every time I pick up my Cat I end up thinking about Donald Trump.

   What’s your favorite Nickelback song? Don’t even pretend you don’t have one or that you hate them.

   I thought 23 & me was a doumentary about Michael Jordan spending time with an old lady.

   I decided to start working out today. Practicing my jabs, hooks, and uppercuts for the day after Easter candy clearance sale!!

   The news is so fake. Trump University is still active and running stronger than ever.

   Just found a app on my new phone that tells you which of your friends and family are slightly narcissistic. Its called facebook.

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all