Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I am a guy but stopping offended when I try to breast-feed in public. Besides, it helps my dog and I bond better

   What if the first man to try and drink Milk from a cow had mistakenly picked a bull ?

   Not every friend request as a friend request some are just a surveillance camera

   Fact: China denies his claim that they reached out about a trade deal. What is is it going to take for you to wake up?

   It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man.

   Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?

   Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

   If 50 is the new 40, does that mean I have to break it to my 9 year old nephew that he's the new -1?

   I went to Cost Cutters to get my sideburns trimmed today. The Hairstylist got all mad and kicked me out when I dropped me pants

   I hope that lady referee doesn't have a mic...

   Idle hands do the devil's work, and that's why they're down your pants right now.

   Yeah he is soldier built for the COKE VS PEPSI war.

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   Why has no one invented a drink called "tequila mocking bird"? Oh wait! I just did ;-) Your welcome!

   I don't know why Kim Kardashian never speak much about her brother Kim Jong-un the North Korean president, now since they launched satellite into space, I bet they will soon be beaming "The Kardashians" from the space.

   When asked, "What is the best way to end an arguement with your wife" , I usually say a Hit & Run! She'll never see it coming!

   word of the day is Satin. Girl ain't doin' nuttin but satin on the couch all day watchin her stories...

   What happens on holiday,stays on holiday. Except for STDs, they will always come back with you

   In the off season Ray Lewis works out at the North Pole with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen.

   Don't you hate it when Ur girl or wife ask you life questions while you watching a important game # biiioootch ask Steve Harvey