Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so 21st rescued miner says to mistress "I'm taking you to bed for a few days" - come to think of it he is experienced being in deep dark holes for long periods of time.

   This just in......Deanna Farve, wife of Brett Farve, has issued a statement saying that the cell phone pics weren't meant for Jenn Sterger but they were meant to be sent to her. She was quoted as saying, "They were supposed to be sent to me but you know B

   I shoved a hot moist piece of meat in my mouth. first time I really felt dirty from having a bbq

   it looks like my 401k took in the rear by some greeks

   Here kitty kitty, Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.

   I wear the pants in my house ....... straight after I've washed and ironed them. Yep I'M THE BOSS when shes not home and she bloody well knows it too !!!

   joined the group "George Burns to host SNL" Let's see how good you THINK you are Facebook....

   Create me a phone that, when I get a call from someone I do not like, it goes straight to voice mail. When they do, I will then accept it as a “Smart Phone.”

   To the girl who cut us off on the freeway. "James Joyce" told me to tell yoU - See You In Tea!

   has status electricity...if you get too close there maybe status friction and you'll get status shock.

   I'm just a man; but wrap me in aluminum foil and I'll be your knight in shining armor!

   wonders why the DJ is playing Lil Wayne but you are dancing like you hear Pink Floyd...

   Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

   Difference between House and Home : HOUSE is where you fart in headphones mode HOME is where you fart in Dolby surround mode

   Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George Bu.sh.

   We don't need a trade deal to last forever. If he doesn't like it down the road, he just divorce it for a younger trade deal, maybe from a different country...

   In the past week, the media has inundated us with a partisan train wreck and ended it with a helicopter crash.

   Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

   Hey England: Every Brexit You Take. I Will Always Love EU. Un Brexit my heart. With Or Without EU. Straight outta Currency. Britain on the Dock of Decay. Since UK Been Gone.

   'm pretty opinionated for a guy who walks around the house talking to his dog in a Bernie Sanders voice.