Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona's immigration laws.

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

   Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

   Charlie Sheen is now suing the tsunami that hit Japan for replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   Life is weird. You can go from being strangers. To being friends. To being more than friends. To being pratically strangers again.

   If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.

   MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.

   I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   reminds parents of children under 3 years to refer to their kid's age in years, not months. It's a child, not cheese.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   Brush your teeth or please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then going home to sit on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV.

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .