Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If any toys in Toy story died the kids would keep playing with them but the other toys would be playing with their dead friends.......creepy

   Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.

   "Did you know you can make any quote seem legit if you put a famous person's name at the end?"-George Washington

   BLOCK ME & best believe I’m downloading that text free app. We ain’t done yet.

   In the summer it was to hot outside now it's to cold outside to take the Christmas lights down.

   Happy Valentines ay, ladies. Don't worry, you'll be getting the D soon.

   Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway today. International? Really? Which car is the guy from Mumbai driving?

   I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world.

   If I am not supposed to eat Tide pods then why are they citrus flavored?

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   Good cooks don’t bake pies that taste like scented candles. cc: Darlene Van Der Pooten

   Just for the record: If your single and planning on asking me out this close to Christmas the only thing you'll be getting from me is a book, which will be do back at the libary just after the new years.

   There's something just really wrong about 2 for the price of 1 Valinetimes day cards that say "Nobody makes me smile like you do" :(

   Lets be honest and Like this status if your like me and play with the words you post like a can of Campbell's alphabet soup.

   We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.

   there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.

   ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

   Ok, I'm a Boomer. But not a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup with cubed white meat chicken casserole Boomer.

   New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."

   Don't forget that Saturday, February 29th is Leap Day just in case Daylight Saving Time didn't throw you off enough.