Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   before you know it, Amazon workers will be making Prime money

   I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice get too thick.

   peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

   Lies Told A Lot: "I didn't know anything." -Joe Paterno

   I've been calling him Drape this whole time. Now I hear the k. Drake. Got it. Not Drape.

   Pastor Steven Anderson needs so much Botox on his frowning forehead, even his god can't help him.

   Gary Glitter failed his driving test...he did too many minors.

   Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...

   what do you call a fly without wings?

   : Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.

   . Why is it that you park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway ?

   With Lynn Yaeger, we dont need a new Pennywise. She will scare you and steal your shoes.

   I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.

   ,Random is random. I do not know what random means. If your teacher asks you what is random, tell her random is random when it is random into random and random with bananas.

   I'm so high,I'm jamming with Hendrix and Prince .

   My girl has the crabs, I suggested fishnet stockings.

   Why is it friggen up if you put in a twitter neam

   Dammit .... I already broke my New Years Resolution

   Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*

   I can't believe it's not February 29! What happened to February 29!?