Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

   Why worry about the world ending today, Its tommorow in Japan.

   Oh how winky faces make anything sound dirty (;

   When someone changes their relationship status to "It's complicated." it always means that they don't know which hand to use...

   If I offend you in any way, please let me know so I can do it again.

   Really hate how some of my friends try to fish for compliments with their posts that say "post one word that reminds you of me" I always post back, I can't think of one word, but there are two that really stand out to me.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   Talk is Cheap because the supply has always exceeded the demand.

   I'm picturing you naked right now. Airbrushed, Photoshopped and digitally enhanced, but totally naked...

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.

   You know what's horrible? Accidentally seen your parents "doing it". I will NEVER go to THAT website again!

   You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.

   Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18...

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again

   not feeling himself today............ anyone else wanna try!!! :-)

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?

   Today my heart will do all my thinking. It gets free reign to walk barefoot in the grass.

   I'm the author of my life.Unfortunately I'm writing in pen so I can't erase my mistakes