Funny Status Messages

   :E (Guy who doesn't know how to twirl spaghetti).

   There are 3 types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife

   Was born at night but not last night!

   I fractured my @ss today doing a cannonball into the bathtub today...

   Pepper spray comes in different strenths, for women who are only semi serious about getting raped.

   We love Lesbians!!! We love Lesbians!!! ~ Jerry Springer Audience

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   Hey bartender, that piña colada you just made taste like SPF 40!

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, tossing my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

   Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk, then I remember all those times I kicked my girlfriend's cat while she wasn't looking and I take back the wish.

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   To all the big a$$ fancy truck owners, have you ever notice how much you can save but just staying at home?!

   when life gives me lemons, I forget about them in the crisper until they rot. Same thing with apples, really. Nothing special about you, lemons.

   By the super powers vested in me... I can now pronounce you deleted on fb and blocked if I want to.

   Thirsty Thursday and Cinco de Mayo fall on the same day, coincidence? She thinks not

   Dear Rihanna! When you're done playing with the toilet paper, please wind it back into the roll!!!!.....

   The weather in Oklahoma has been more bipolar then katy perry