Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire

   wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.

   I have just finished my thesis: "Pyrotechnics Lead to prosthetics". Keep all your digits safe! Happy 4th!!

   I trust you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do tonight

   I got an idea for MTV....Film The Real world at my house....The real world, where your wallet is empty and your mailbox if full of bills!

   just because he knows he's smarter than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   - I am looking for my Valentine's Day Date on the Casual Encounters Section of Craigslist.

   - Of course, the great thing about tomorrow is that all of those heart shaped Russell Stover's and Whitman's sampler boxes will be 50% off.