Funny Status Messages

   Ate way too much food, drank too much wine and watched TV the rest of the day. I'm feelin' SUPER American right now

   Whatsapp: Last seen at Facebook

   Some parents are so benevolent that put their lives in danger for their children - again for themselves actually- some other's

   Unless you're Roy bloody Rogers, or a Texas oil tycoon, I don't want to see anyone in a GaDern bolo tie

   He said: "I have this certain animal magnatism about me." She said: "Yes, you do tend to attract animals."

   What's with those lower urinals? Are they for small boys or large men?

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   I never understand why kids just start crying out of the blue. What’s up? You remember you can’t wipe your ass? Or mad you can’t eat steak?

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

   No, for the last time, I do not want to build a snowman.

   Eat sugar Smacks,My piss smells like Sugar Smacks.Yes today will be a good day!

   Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror

   I throw my spanish in the air sometimes sayin ayo, no comprendo

   personal security/ bodyguard is just a paid stalker

   <--- *punches the air like Cuba Gooding*

   What's up with helmet babies? Let your kid have a funny shaped head. God loves all His children, even the pear-headed ones.

   I wear a mouthguard while I sleep. I don't grind my teeth, I just have a lot of enemies.

   The death rattle is an unsettling noise. Not "Macy Gray" scary, but still...

   If you spend more time looking in his phone then looking in his heart, You should prolly set your ship sailing.

   I remember back in the day I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even get up because the caller ID is on my TV...