Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the white house leaks, they should lay in a supply of depends.

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   Daddy, when will our GP waiting time go down, now all the foreign doctors have gone home?

   I told you people that Russia was up to no good. But nooooooo, you people wanted to be friends with them for some strange, idiotic reason.

   Boo hoo! I'm so mad that I can't go out and mindlessly hang around some dive bar watching some crummy cover band butcher my 5 favorite songs from some 80' hair metal hacks!

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   And his opponent, coming down the aisle, from Sheffield, Alabama, weighing 180 lbs, he is Moscow Mitch McConnell!

   Every time at Subway they make you a bad sandwich, shove it in their mouth.

   Donald Trump public ally supports Bill O'Reilly. In other news, dozens of female White House staff change their mind about speaking out against sexual harassment. Kellyanne silently weeps while tiny fingers rub her thigh.

   Trump: I need to be on the power high when it comes to the business council. You guys can't quit on me! I'm quitting you by ending the council permanently. That'll show you to question my rac.ism!

   Ya! Trump says one thing will work when it comes to N. Korea. Bomb the deal out of them. I support that!

   There's 2 things I hate 1 when people repeat themselves and 2 when people repeat themselves.

   Oh my god!! What is that enormous red gasious ball of fire in the sky that's making everyone take their clothes off???!?!?

   Facebook should have a who cares button.

   The heat wave continues! It's so hot in New York City that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch.--Joan Rivers

   If you get a tattoo on your face of another person you can pretty much guarantee you and that person is probably homeless

   I hear Putin is running again for Russian Presidency. But more importantly, how will this affect the Russian mail order brides??

   If Rick Ross was Mexican they would call him Hoazay

   Dyslexic man walks into a bra *Ba-Dum-Bum Tsss*

   You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!