Funny Status Messages

   Where are all the Cubs fans now?

   If you're a good enough cook, fat people will let you pet them while they're eating.

   Make sure the important people in your life know how important they are before it’s too late.

   Kim Kardashian in a fender bender REAR ENDER!! obviously nobody hurt!! Air bag went off but then again Kanye always does!

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas

   essential to a balanced diet

   having a facebook moment!

   wonders why some men cultivate on their face that which grows freely on their arses?

   # He pretends to be ivy league. When he's actually more bowling league.

   Have you seen my thumb ring?" ~ my proctologist

   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.

   I killed 6 people this morning thinking they were post-apocalyptic zombies. Then I realized there was no apocalypse, it's just Sunday morning on a long weekend. Sorry to the families of the people who's brains I spiked in the church parking lot this morni

   I wonder what happens to facebook accounts of people who pass away.

   Jesus this, Mosses that- Abraham hit me with a wiffleball bat

   Can't wait for the fat man to show up on Christmas eve, and no I'm not talking about Trump.

   For $250 an hour I will pose as a marriage counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everythng.

   The space bar means everything... Its the difference bewteen "She gave me herpies" & "She gave me her pies." One's more delicious

   accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for 4 hours but everything makes me look fat. And I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.