Funny Status Messages

   If I grow weed in farmville, sell it in mafia wars, reckon how many farkle points I could get for a quarter bag?

   some weird fat man with a white beard wearing red clothes just shoved me into a big red sock... OK people, which one of you asked to get me for Christmas??

   thinks we should go into the dressing room at Wal-mart and say..Ummm excuse me, do you have any toilet paper?

   Damn! Why did Friday the 13th have to be today...it's only the middle of the week!

   NOTE TO SELF: Buy most Post-Its. You're all out.

   Fantasy sentence for pedophiles, rapists & animal abusers: Reduce the size of the license plate production zone and build a non-sterile room for use exclusively to test beauty products and corrosive industrial cleaning products on said wastes of skin.

   Females be killing me with that Trey Songz is my Baby Daddy! ...B1TCH that n1gga don't even know you exist, shut cho lonely @ss up!

   Some woman calls me the UPS man, because I deliver that package right on time.

   i just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by getting my daughters batteries with toys not included for Christmas this year.

   Anyone know how to open a washing machine door from the inside?

   Lazy rule #526272828000: I take short cuts that are longer than the long cuts just because I think they are shorter

   after you break down in a car you feel so violated, you don't even want the car no more.

   Dogs are like Facebook; fun and interactive. Cats are like MySpace; boring, climb on the furniture and $hit in a box.

   Tebow? And are you in love with him? Cuz you sure talk about him alot...

   I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins.

   New internet piracy laws are SOPAthetic

   pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles... BURGER!!!

   Happy Birthday Willie Nelson! I'll Burn a Fatty for ya Sir!

   I love a nice dark red with hints of oak and floral overtones. And, it was a double flusher!!

   a tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.