Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A little known fact from the Bible is that between his resurrection and his ascension into heaven, Jesus ate nothing but brains.

   People on the plane, rained mainly on Ukraine

   There are so many absurdities, contradictions & cruelties in the Bible that it's impossible for it to have been inspired by any supernatural being. It's poorly written. A better job could be done by a group of linguists, philosophers & Pastafarians.

   the bear necessities.

   When someone in the administration has to CONSTANTLY walk back Brandon's statements it should be crystal clear to everyone that Brandon is not the one making policy decisions. . .

   girls are like math, if there under 13 do them in your head.

   Joe the plumber

   profound as a pronoun that verbs today.

   I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

   Happy James Earl Ray Day!

   has issues. Would you care to listen?

   On this Thanksgiving I am thankful to all of your post that make me look funny on Facebook.

   wondering if she left the gas on ....and the lighter on

   eating pasta with chopsticks.

   "having a smoking section in a restaurant should b like having a peeing section in a swimming pool......." right??

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

   I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

   PSA: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

   bad news

   When I arrive some place, I will sit in my car an just listen n wait for a favorite song to end. :D like this if you do the same!