Funny Status Messages

   Got down from my car to beat up the guy who took my parking space then I realized he's a UFC fighter so I said "does your car need washing?"

   Found the pot at the end of the rainbow and I smoked it........

   I don't always make sense but when I do idont

   No, it's not OK to call him "tardy", but if he does it again it's OK to call him a "re-tard".

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   What's Rick Ross's wost nightmare? Dying from breast cancer.

   Its not cheating if I wasn't feeling like myself that night right?

   Z.T.Z.I. = Zero Tolerance for Zero Intelligence

   ...I see no need to flaunt My individual sense of personal and social identity based on my attraction as a Heterosexual male..(",)

   NEWS FLASH: Dodgers announce opening-day promotion: first 1000 fans get a set of "HIV & HER" bathroom towels

   And on this day, high-fructose corn syrup rose again, in fulfillment of the scriptures. And there was childhood obesity. And it was good.

   Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!"

   my kid jus got a bag of m&m's and some were naked. Thats obsene, I'm writing the company

   3 words 8 letters That lead to instant popularity... "I HAVE GUM"

   thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit

   im hungry like a homeless fat guy that made his home out of wafflehouse menus...

   I dont know who gets around more " The Duggars or Hermain Cain".

   I enjoyed the Episode of SIX and the CITY. (Man United 1 - 6 Man City)

   Now it's pot in the lead! Now it's alcohol! Pills make a late charge! And it's pot! Now alcohol! But here comes sleep!!

   This sexy bird looked at my beer belly and said "Is that carlsberg or tetleys? " I replied" "theres a tap underneath love if you wanna taste it!"